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Post by Mo on Jul 14, 2017 13:45:34 GMT -5
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Post by Mo on Jul 14, 2017 13:46:21 GMT -5
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Post by Mo on Jul 14, 2017 14:00:08 GMT -5
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Post by Mo on Jul 14, 2017 14:05:54 GMT -5
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Post by toetapping on Jul 14, 2017 15:02:37 GMT -5
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Post by Mo on Jul 26, 2017 4:42:30 GMT -5
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Post by Mo on Jul 26, 2017 4:44:36 GMT -5
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Post by Mo on Jul 30, 2017 9:51:07 GMT -5
One I got from Ray LOL
A flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately. “Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty and quiet female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened, and the man she is with, is a fat old slob who looks like a sexual deviant, mean and dangerous!” The captain responds, “You must be new here. This is Air Force One.”
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Post by Deleted on Jul 30, 2017 10:05:06 GMT -5
Good one Mo! :D
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Post by Mo on Jul 30, 2017 10:55:41 GMT -5
Now how did I know you would like that one @grayjet,
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Post by toetapping on Jul 31, 2017 15:32:19 GMT -5
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Post by Mo on Aug 1, 2017 14:29:36 GMT -5
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Post by Mo on Aug 1, 2017 14:31:19 GMT -5
A selection of jokes as told to me by Ray LOL A mother in law said to her sons wife " I don't mean to be rude but the baby doesn't look like my son " The wife then lifted up her skirt and said " I don't mean to be rude either but it's a Fanny not a photocopier".
It was my parents 40th wedding anniversary today , and they were telling me how they started feeling old I told them its never too late in life , to do the things you have always wanted to do
So they put me up for adoption
One positive thing about being an Alcoholic is that no one pesters you for a lift.
The wife bought herself a parrot but after a week, she took it back to the pet shop. "This parrot hasn't said anything yet!" she complained to the owner. "I haven't had a bloody chance yet!" replied the parrot.
I asked the librarian if the library had any books about paranoia.
She whispered: "They're right behind you."
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Post by toetapping on Aug 1, 2017 14:54:16 GMT -5
One for Ray.
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Post by Mo on Aug 6, 2017 6:24:12 GMT -5
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Post by toetapping on Aug 6, 2017 14:23:45 GMT -5
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Post by ray on Aug 6, 2017 14:25:28 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Aug 9, 2017 12:54:16 GMT -5
Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.
“Like, me sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing?” I asked.
My "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.
She was "only thinking of me" she said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and join something.
I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her.
I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club.
She replied, "Mother, are you nuts? You are 78 years old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?”
I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.
She immediately telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Mom, where are your glasses?! This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club.”
I calmly replied, "Oh my, I think I'm in real trouble then, because I signed up for five jumps a week!!”
The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.
Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be a lot of fun.
Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"
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Post by Deleted on Aug 9, 2017 12:56:47 GMT -5
After a long two-week criminal trial in a high profile bank robbery case, the jury finally ended its 14 hours of deliberations and entered the courtroom to deliver its verdict to the judge. The judge turns to the jury foreman and asks, "Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?"
"Yes, your honor," the foreman responded. "Would you please pass it to me," the judge declared, as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him. After the judge reads the verdict himself, he delivers the verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman and instructs the foreman, "Please read your verdict to the court." "We find the defendant NOT GUILTY of all four counts of bank robbery," stated the foreman.
The family and friends of the defendant jump for joy at the sound of the "not guilty" verdict and hug each other as they shout expressions of divine gratitude. The defendant's attorney turns to his client and asks, "So, what do you think about that?" The defendant looks around the courtroom slowly with a bewildered look on his face and then turns to his defense attorney and says, "I'm real confused here. Does this mean that I have to return the money?"
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Post by toetapping on Aug 11, 2017 14:37:59 GMT -5
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Post by lins on Aug 12, 2017 17:12:40 GMT -5
Donald Trump went to London and met with the Queen.
“Your Queenship, “ he asked her. “I am finding things way more difficult than I could have imagined. May I ask you – how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?”
“Well,” replied Her Majesty, “the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people.”
Trump frowned.
“But how do you know the people around you are really intelligent?” he asked.
“Oh, that’s easy” the Queen replied. “You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle”.
She pushed a button on her intercom. “Please send Theresa May in here.”
The Prime Minister walked into the room.
“You called for me, Your Majesty?”
“Answer me this, if you would, Theresa. “ the Queen said. “Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?”
Without pausing for even a second, Theresa May answered, “That would be me.”
“Yes! Very good,” said the Queen.
Trump went back home, returned to the White House and the very next day called for Mike Pence to come and see him.
Pence duly trotted in to the Oval Office
“Mike, answer this for me,’ said the Don. “Your mother and your father have a child. It’s not your brother and it’s not your sister. Who is it?”
“I’m not sure,” said Pence. “Let me get back to you on that one.
Pence went panicking off to his advisers and asked everyone, but none of them could give him an answer.
The next night, as it happened, Pence ran in to Hillary Clinton in a restaurant. By now, desperate for an answer to give to his tyrannical boss, he approached her – much to her surprise.
“Hillary, I know we haven’t always seen eye to eye but I would really appreciate it if you could answer this riddle for me
“Sure, Mike “Hillary said. “I’m not one to hold a grudge. What is it?”
“Thanks, said Pence,” It’s this. Your mother and father have a child and it’s not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”
Hillary answered right back, “That’s easy, it’s me!”
Pence smiled, “Thanks!”
Pence then went back to speak with Trump. “Say, boss, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It’s Hillary Clinton.”
Trump got up, stomped over to Pence, and angrily yelled at him. “No, you idiot! It’s Theresa May!”
… AND THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS PRECISELY WHAT’S GOING ON AT THE WHITE HOUSE.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 13, 2017 10:22:05 GMT -5
Still laughing on that one.
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Post by toetapping on Aug 15, 2017 14:23:16 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Sept 16, 2017 17:14:59 GMT -5
My Wife the Gardener
~ Peter (poem in old magazine) She dug the plot on Monday –the soil was rich and fine, She forgot to thaw out dinner –so we went out to dine... She planted roses Tuesday –she says they are a must, They really are quite lovelybut she quite forgot to dust. On Wednesday it was daisies –they opened up with sun, All whites and pinks and yellows –but the laundry wasn’t done... The poppies came on Thursday -a bright and cherry red, I guess she really was engrossed –she never made the bed... It was violets on Friday –in colours she adores, It never bothered her at all –all crumbs upon the floors I hired a maid on Saturday –my week is now complete, My wife can garden all she wants –the house will still be neat! It’s nearly lunchtime Sunday –and I cannot find the maid, Oh no! I don’t believe it!She’s out there WITH THE SPADE!
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Post by toetapping on Sept 16, 2017 23:56:48 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Sept 24, 2017 8:58:01 GMT -5
A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
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Post by toetapping on Sept 24, 2017 15:17:50 GMT -5
:D
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Post by Deleted on Sept 25, 2017 17:40:31 GMT -5
What is the difference between in-laws and out-laws? Out-laws are wanted
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Post by toetapping on Sept 26, 2017 15:00:55 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Sept 27, 2017 8:39:31 GMT -5
A wife was mad at her husband and decided to give him the silent treatment. At the end of a week he came up to her, gave her a hug and said "You know honey, we've been getting alomg great lately."
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