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Post by lins on Dec 19, 2017 11:12:23 GMT -5
What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus. What do you call an elf who sings? A wrapper! Why is Christmas just like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit. Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soot's him Why are Christmas trees so fond of the past? Because the present's beneath them. What do you call a broke santa? Give up yet? It's Saint-NICKEL-LESS What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinselitis! Why is Santa so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live. Why doesn't Santa have any children ? Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down the chimney. What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? Sandy Claws! Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit. What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate clauses Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce? Because he thought his wife was a flake. What do you call an obnoxious reindeer? RUDEolph. Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem. source: www.jokes4us.com/holidayjokes/christmasjokes/christmasjokes.html
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Post by toetapping on Dec 19, 2017 15:04:40 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Dec 19, 2017 21:29:51 GMT -5
An male elf was so paranoid about the size of his willy that he could never work up the courage to have sex. Then one day he fell in love with a elf nurse. One fine evening, they went back to her place. She put on some soft music and led him into the bedroom. Totally mortified, he told her of his problem. "Don't worry," She said. "I'm a nurse. I won't laugh." Blushing the man drops his trousers. "It's OK," she said. "I've seen lots smaller than that." "Really?" the relieved elf asked. She nodded. "Yes," she chuckled, "I used to work in the maternity unit." source: www.jokes4us.com/holidayjokes/christmasjokes/elfegojokes.html
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Post by lins on Dec 20, 2017 16:08:24 GMT -5
You Know Your a Hillbilly
If You think potted meat on a saltine is an hor'dourve. If Directions to your house include, "turn off the paved road." If Jack Daniels makes your list of most admired people If You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding. If your other has ever been in a fist fight at a high school sports event. If your dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade. If you consider a six pack of beer and a bug zapper to be quality entertainment. If you have a brother named Bubba, Junior or Jim Bob If you prominently display a gift you bought a Graceland If your front porch collapses and kills more than 3 dogs.
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Post by Mo on Dec 20, 2017 19:01:37 GMT -5
A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls." The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said. Finally, unable to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow..?
I went back to see my doctor today. I said, "I applied the pile cream that you gave me this morning and I got a very nasty reaction." "Where exactly did you apply it?" he asked. I said, "On the bus."
A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped. “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.” The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl. “Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25…”
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Post by Deleted on Dec 21, 2017 1:02:41 GMT -5
Oh lins red neck humor, so funny. My English ex never could understand the term. Those are hilarious. Oh Mo the blonde joke so funny!!!!!
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Post by toetapping on Dec 23, 2017 15:54:24 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Dec 24, 2017 22:30:09 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Dec 24, 2017 22:31:13 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Dec 24, 2017 22:33:16 GMT -5
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Post by Mo on Dec 28, 2017 19:46:10 GMT -5
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Post by Mo on Dec 28, 2017 19:50:48 GMT -5
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Post by Mo on Dec 28, 2017 19:52:04 GMT -5
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Post by Mo on Dec 28, 2017 19:59:44 GMT -5
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Post by toetapping on Dec 31, 2017 16:02:31 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Dec 31, 2017 21:12:42 GMT -5
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Post by Mo on Jan 25, 2018 13:58:45 GMT -5
Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.
Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 pm, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs. And what's there; a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner; a marvelous dinner, lobster, champagne, dessert and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me three times!"
Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go?"
Edna: "No, no, no....I'm just saying, wear an old dress."
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Post by Mo on Jan 27, 2018 6:27:46 GMT -5
TOO FUNNY NOT TO PASS ON!! How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces? These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place. ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! _______________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? WITNESS: July 18th. ATTORNEY: What year? WITNESS: Every year. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? WITNESS: Forty-five years. _________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shitting me? _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Getting laid ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral... _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________________ And last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
/div]
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Post by Mo on Jan 27, 2018 17:07:49 GMT -5
The 6 affairs
The 1st Affair A married man was having an affair With his secretary.
One day they went to her place And made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep And woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed And told his lover to take his shoes Outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home..
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied,
'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes and said:
'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters But always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time For the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant And delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery To see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child He had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can Be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'No, not this time!'
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, About to be cremated, And made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part He had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician Commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated With such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'
So, he removed it, Stuffed it into his briefcase, And took it home.
'I have something to show You won't believe,' he said to his wife, Opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover When she heard her husband Opening the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him, Then dusted him with talcum powder.
'Don't move until I tell you,' She said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired As he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it So I got one for us, too.'
No more was said, Not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, Went to the kitchen and returned With a sandwich and a beer.
'Here,' he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths And nobody offered me a damned thing.'
The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe, Went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak And a bottle of wine?'
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs With your wife?'
The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing To his business down here.'
The 6th & Best Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, Her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'
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Post by toetapping on Jan 30, 2018 14:39:30 GMT -5
Good one Mo.
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Post by Mo on Feb 14, 2018 15:50:49 GMT -5
A school teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate, not fascinating". Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Cheddar Gorge and I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate, not fascinated. Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him. Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight." The teacher sat down and cried.
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Post by Mo on Feb 15, 2018 3:48:27 GMT -5
LOL don't you just love that little Johnny.
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning.
The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy... level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies." So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any rye bread?" She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" He said, "I want 5 loaves." She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."
He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this shit but me."
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Post by toetapping on Feb 16, 2018 15:52:38 GMT -5
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Post by Mo on Apr 13, 2018 14:43:58 GMT -5
Had these past on to me I hope no one is offended by any of them. :-)BRITISH HUMOUR
I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him. I shouted - "Where you off to Charlie?" He said, "I'm off to change a light bulb." Well I just cracked up, I couldn't stop laughing, then said, "That's gonna be a bit awkward init?" "Not really." he said, "I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard." ____________________________ _____ Angela Merkel arrives at PassportControl in Athens airport. "Nationality?" asks the immigration officer. "German," she replies. "Occupation? "No, just here for a few days." ______________________________ __________ As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officer's funeral,
a voice from inside screams
"I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"
The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and mutters,
"Too late, mate, the paperwork's already done."
______________________________ __________
After both suffering from depression for a while,
me and the missus were going to commit suicide together yesterday.
Strangely enough, however, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better. So I thought - sod it, I'll soldier on. ______________________________ __________ I woke up this morning at 8 and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor,
not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do.
Then I remembered the local cafe serve breakfast until 11.30. ______________________________ __________
______________________________ __________ Got caught having a pee in the local swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in. ______________________________ __________ I woke to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed
a burglar sneaking through next door's garden.
Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked
him over the head with a shovel killing him instantly.
He then began to dig a grave with the shovel. Astonished, I got back into bed. My wife said "Darling, you're shaking, what is it?" "You'll never believe what I've just seen!"
I said, "That tosser next door has still got my bloody shovel."
______________________________ __________ A man is seeking to join the Glasgow Police force.
The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good,
but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."
Then, sliding a pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants,
six drug dealers, six extremists, and a rabbit"
The man being interviewed asks, "Why the rabbit?" "Excellent" says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"
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Post by toetapping on Apr 17, 2018 14:02:05 GMT -5
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Post by Mo on Jul 16, 2018 15:14:32 GMT -5
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Post by toetapping on Jul 16, 2018 23:55:39 GMT -5
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Post by Mo on Nov 13, 2018 18:22:23 GMT -5
Maria went home happy, telling her mother about how she earned $20 by climbing a tree. Her mom responded, "Maria, they just wanted to see your panties!" Maria replied, "See Mom, I was smart, I took them off!"
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Post by toetapping on Nov 14, 2018 22:55:20 GMT -5
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Post by toetapping on Nov 29, 2018 15:36:45 GMT -5
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